On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
