My brain says no but my pants say off.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
