Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
