In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
