pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
