I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
