Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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