I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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