and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
