found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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