I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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