I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My ATM looks so different sober.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
