It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
