I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
