Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
