While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
