my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
