Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
