My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
we're so committed to being not committed
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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