Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
