I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
