My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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