i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just found a bag of teeth...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
