he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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