I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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