Your mouth is God's brothel.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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