i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
