I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
