I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
