Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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