he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
