2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
