Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize