and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My life is pants optional.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
