Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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