at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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