she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The power of my boobs compel you
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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