walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
