i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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