I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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