It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
