Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
