so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
