Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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