turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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