I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
