Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
