Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
