Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just sucked dick on a ferry
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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