who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
