Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
