Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I came so hard my ears popped.
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