So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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