i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
