I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
