The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
