Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize