It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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