Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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