Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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